(Sorry, it's a whine-y post.)
Holidays are just hard anymore because the angels died. The demons live. And I still have skeletons in my closet. Granted, fewer skeletons...but I still have a pretty good pile of them. They aren't exactly pretty, and they're embarrassing. But, they're there.
When you grow up in an abusive household, you learn to become a very private individual. When you decide to write, or become an advocate against those abuses...you CAN'T be private. It's stripped away, even though you know it's for a common good. It's a strange dichotomy. And, I won't lie--it sucks because your natural instinct--what you really want to do is to bury it all & forget it. All you've ever known is to retreat far into yourself when things get tough and to keep time-honored secrets. But, I think to be a true advocate, you have to come out of the closet waving your skeletons and pull some of your heart out to wear on your sleeve, or you can't be as effective.
Maybe it isn't just the writing that makes me wiggy, then. Holidays, like today, remind me of what I have missed, what I miss about my grandparents, and that I might not completely understand the way things are supposed to be, like I should. And, I've decided that I want to be that advocate, even if it means waving my skeletons around in public once in a while. =( I think...I'm still on a sort of sabbatical. I think I have a clearer direction of where I'm headed though...
If this is a hard holiday for you, my tightest, safest hugs. If today is joyous---then I hope you had the happiest of days and got to spend it with all the most important people in your life.
As a side...my daugher made me a homemade card--a la grade school. With crayons. =) Very sweet. She & Mr. Jade both came down to tell me they loved me. =) So sweet-I am a lucky woman. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. ;o)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
when the words hurt more than they heal
Some of you - maybe most of you - I think know what I write. But, do you know why?
Because somewhere tonight, there are little girls and little boys crying themselves to sleep. Right now. Probably in your neighborhood-certainly in your town. They are crying because they feel like nobody in this world loves them. They feel all alone. And they blame themselves. They feel that they are utterly unlovable. That they are bad. Or that they have some inherent defect or flaw that prevents others from loving them.
I learned at a very early age that words delivered magic on white sheets of paper. Most especially when those sheets were bound together to create a flowing cadence and rhythmic dance. A book, that I could hold in my hand--it was magic. Those little black symbols were a healing inky elixir.Those little black symbols spashed and danced on a page, loving me when nobody else did.
I knew by the age of 7 that I was able to create that magic all by myself. I could make my own words dance on a page, and I made that my life's mission to always choreograph great works of art. It was also in 2nd grade that I first read a poem by Emily Dickinson that has become my life's credo:
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
The muses were never meant to creep anyone out. Especially not someone who suffered the same kinds of abuses I did. They got me through some really tough times...the first muse I'm aware of popped into my life around age 11. I didn't label this inspiration as a "muse" per se back then, but that's exactly what it was.
When I learned that my muses were a little creepy for an incest survivor I'm close to, I was reminded of how clowns freaked me out when I was little.
My muses are clowns.
Maybe that's all they are.
My whole purpose with the writing...with the muse concept...was to let even one little girl or boy know they aren't alone in this world so they can sleep gently tonight. So they can discover their own muse(s) and know that their life has a purpose. Maybe by tomorrow they'll forget--but if they get just this one good night's sleep, then I'd be somewhat satisfied...and would feel that I haven't spent the past 40 years in vain.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I need some time away. Some time to think about what my life is for. Thank the powers that be that I have this amazing space just behind our house where I can lose the world and become one with the universe and figure out why the hell I'm here. It's called the woods, and I'm so lucky I can soak in its vibrations any time I choose. Anyway...I probably won't post a blog for a couple of days. Maybe a couple of weeks or months. I'll be back though. I'm like a fucking phoenix. Every time I die, I come back bigger and badder than before. Until I rise from the ashes again, I wish you all peace, love and happiness. I'll see ya soon.
XXOO
Cheri
Because somewhere tonight, there are little girls and little boys crying themselves to sleep. Right now. Probably in your neighborhood-certainly in your town. They are crying because they feel like nobody in this world loves them. They feel all alone. And they blame themselves. They feel that they are utterly unlovable. That they are bad. Or that they have some inherent defect or flaw that prevents others from loving them.
I learned at a very early age that words delivered magic on white sheets of paper. Most especially when those sheets were bound together to create a flowing cadence and rhythmic dance. A book, that I could hold in my hand--it was magic. Those little black symbols were a healing inky elixir.Those little black symbols spashed and danced on a page, loving me when nobody else did.
I knew by the age of 7 that I was able to create that magic all by myself. I could make my own words dance on a page, and I made that my life's mission to always choreograph great works of art. It was also in 2nd grade that I first read a poem by Emily Dickinson that has become my life's credo:
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
The muses were never meant to creep anyone out. Especially not someone who suffered the same kinds of abuses I did. They got me through some really tough times...the first muse I'm aware of popped into my life around age 11. I didn't label this inspiration as a "muse" per se back then, but that's exactly what it was.
When I learned that my muses were a little creepy for an incest survivor I'm close to, I was reminded of how clowns freaked me out when I was little.
My muses are clowns.
Maybe that's all they are.
My whole purpose with the writing...with the muse concept...was to let even one little girl or boy know they aren't alone in this world so they can sleep gently tonight. So they can discover their own muse(s) and know that their life has a purpose. Maybe by tomorrow they'll forget--but if they get just this one good night's sleep, then I'd be somewhat satisfied...and would feel that I haven't spent the past 40 years in vain.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I need some time away. Some time to think about what my life is for. Thank the powers that be that I have this amazing space just behind our house where I can lose the world and become one with the universe and figure out why the hell I'm here. It's called the woods, and I'm so lucky I can soak in its vibrations any time I choose. Anyway...I probably won't post a blog for a couple of days. Maybe a couple of weeks or months. I'll be back though. I'm like a fucking phoenix. Every time I die, I come back bigger and badder than before. Until I rise from the ashes again, I wish you all peace, love and happiness. I'll see ya soon.
XXOO
Cheri
How quickly the tides can change
May be taking a hiatus from the internet. Likely I will except for my LiveJournal gratitudes.
Long story. Initially the muses had great support. Then some negative feedback.
I know I had a childhood ripe for multiple personality disorder, but that isn't where the muses come from. It was supposed to be a fun thing.
Thinking though that maybe I should just stick to fiction. Maybe that's my niche. Or maybe I'm destined to only crunch data. I dunno.
Whatever the case, I think I need to spend some quality time in my Buddhist church--also known as the woods behind my house. That way I can sort things out and figure out where I need to go from here...besides WorkMo.
Long story. Initially the muses had great support. Then some negative feedback.
I know I had a childhood ripe for multiple personality disorder, but that isn't where the muses come from. It was supposed to be a fun thing.
Thinking though that maybe I should just stick to fiction. Maybe that's my niche. Or maybe I'm destined to only crunch data. I dunno.
Whatever the case, I think I need to spend some quality time in my Buddhist church--also known as the woods behind my house. That way I can sort things out and figure out where I need to go from here...besides WorkMo.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
From Writer Mama to Muse Whisperer
I think that Writer Mama is more than just a book title to Christina Katz. I think this is how she identifies herself. A couple of years ago, my writer friend Cindy gave me this book. I'm finally peeking inside to discover all the jewels.
I'm still only on the first chapter, and I've become a fan of Utne Reader magazine which is maybe one of the more interesting magazines out there right now. Her writing prompts have me thinking of my childhood in a different light. And she has me thinking of all the different ways I can warehouse my ideas. She wisely offered several ideas for the moms who process life in various ways. For instance--visual mamas, audio mamas, list mamas, data geek mamas, etc. (I am paraphrasing here...I lump myself into the data geek mama with overlying list mania.)
However, this isn't so much a book review as it is a quest to define my own role as a writer. Even though I am a mama who writes, it doesn't really seem to fit as a label. I think I am more of a muse whisperer. It's what is driving me to write a how-to on discovering inner muses. Everyone has muses. I think people just need a little training on how to coax their muses out of hiding.
I'm still only on the first chapter, and I've become a fan of Utne Reader magazine which is maybe one of the more interesting magazines out there right now. Her writing prompts have me thinking of my childhood in a different light. And she has me thinking of all the different ways I can warehouse my ideas. She wisely offered several ideas for the moms who process life in various ways. For instance--visual mamas, audio mamas, list mamas, data geek mamas, etc. (I am paraphrasing here...I lump myself into the data geek mama with overlying list mania.)
However, this isn't so much a book review as it is a quest to define my own role as a writer. Even though I am a mama who writes, it doesn't really seem to fit as a label. I think I am more of a muse whisperer. It's what is driving me to write a how-to on discovering inner muses. Everyone has muses. I think people just need a little training on how to coax their muses out of hiding.
Monday, May 4, 2009
The WriMo Epidemic
I need another WriMo event like I need another hole in my head. Yet, here I am doing a May NaBloPoMo. In other words, National Blog Posting Month. It occurred to me that I am neglecting my blogs horribly since I started working from home a couple of months ago. NaBloPoMo gives me the opportunity to get into a good bloggerly habit. Besides, NaNoWriMo is such a huge part of my life now, that I think of most things in terms of WriMos, ArtMos, WorkMos, etc. ;o)
Plus, I need to talk about writerly projects before my muses jump off a tall building and succumb to a horrible, creative death. Because - PROJECTS! I HAZ 'DEM!
A couple of years ago I participated in Script Frenzy. Valuable lesson learned in 2007: scripting is most definitely not my genre. But, I did walk away with a great idea for a non-fiction book. That idea has evolved and has now come around full circle. I'm currently writing a non-fic about the muses (which makes them proud as punch) and decided to share with everyone the secret of discovering their own muses.
The craziest part of all is that I am in the middle of outlining the book. I'm a pantser - whaaa?!? Fiction comes easily for me. It's as if the muses are busy writing entire books in my head long before I ever sit down to a computer to type out my thoughts. Non-fiction though needs to be organized a little differently--with more detail and forethought, and that isn't something I'm proficient at (yet). I'm using 2 books to help me with this process (and they will be included in the bibliography for sure!): Karen S. Wiesner's First Draft in 30 Days and Victoria Lynn Schmidt's Book in a Month. I don't necessarily intend to write Pocket Muses in that short of a time...although the muses are pretty fired up about it right now.
Not only that, I am doing an ArtMo every month this year. (The artsy muses need some time in the sun too.) I set some ambitious goals for May.
My mind is already wandering over to July too. JulNoWriMo. I failed hard at this challenge last year. I think I only wrote about 20,000 words. Since the rules are a little looser in July than in November, I'm playing with the idea of continuing two works-in-progress. This year, I fully intend to win!
By August I'll need to be getting a marketing plan in place for the Peoria WriMos...because I will be an ML again this year. Though, I hope to have an energetic and capable co-ML too, so I can pass the torch in 2010.
I need more WorkMo progress right now. I'll be back to blog tomorrow! =)
Plus, I need to talk about writerly projects before my muses jump off a tall building and succumb to a horrible, creative death. Because - PROJECTS! I HAZ 'DEM!
A couple of years ago I participated in Script Frenzy. Valuable lesson learned in 2007: scripting is most definitely not my genre. But, I did walk away with a great idea for a non-fiction book. That idea has evolved and has now come around full circle. I'm currently writing a non-fic about the muses (which makes them proud as punch) and decided to share with everyone the secret of discovering their own muses.
The craziest part of all is that I am in the middle of outlining the book. I'm a pantser - whaaa?!? Fiction comes easily for me. It's as if the muses are busy writing entire books in my head long before I ever sit down to a computer to type out my thoughts. Non-fiction though needs to be organized a little differently--with more detail and forethought, and that isn't something I'm proficient at (yet). I'm using 2 books to help me with this process (and they will be included in the bibliography for sure!): Karen S. Wiesner's First Draft in 30 Days and Victoria Lynn Schmidt's Book in a Month. I don't necessarily intend to write Pocket Muses in that short of a time...although the muses are pretty fired up about it right now.
Not only that, I am doing an ArtMo every month this year. (The artsy muses need some time in the sun too.) I set some ambitious goals for May.
My mind is already wandering over to July too. JulNoWriMo. I failed hard at this challenge last year. I think I only wrote about 20,000 words. Since the rules are a little looser in July than in November, I'm playing with the idea of continuing two works-in-progress. This year, I fully intend to win!
By August I'll need to be getting a marketing plan in place for the Peoria WriMos...because I will be an ML again this year. Though, I hope to have an energetic and capable co-ML too, so I can pass the torch in 2010.
I need more WorkMo progress right now. I'll be back to blog tomorrow! =)
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tweets and Tangerine
I'm currently working on a piece called Tangerine, which started out as a piece called Orange You Erotic. It's for a submission due by 11:59 PM tonight! The muses, at the very last moment, decided to change the piece all around because I was listening to my friends play jazz at one of the local coffee houses. My favorite jazz piece is Tangerine. The submission calls for Food + Sex, and the lyrics of Tangerine are suggestive...and my original piece about oranges was very sensual and so I am weaving the two. Yeah, don't ask how my muses work, because I am not entirely certain how they work either! But, I'm digging the piece. So, even if it doesn't get accepted, I am still going to work with it and possibly use it in something else.
I have some fellow EdMo editors tweeting with me now! If you are editing in March, check out the #nanoedmo tweets on Twitter. And feel free to follow me there too--I'll be posting my EdMo updates. I'm velvetjademuse there.
I have some fellow EdMo editors tweeting with me now! If you are editing in March, check out the #nanoedmo tweets on Twitter. And feel free to follow me there too--I'll be posting my EdMo updates. I'm velvetjademuse there.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Coffee, NaNoEdMo & Red Pens
Is anyone else planning to do NaNoEdMo this year? I am, and being the glutton for punishment that I am...I also signed up to be a "red pen luminary" which is EdMo's version of a municipal liaison. I have the entire state of Illinois right now. Online edit-ins in the Peo-Wrimos' MySpace Meebo chat space will be the only way I can help people outside of central Illinois, but there will be some local events too. If anyone is interested in the online & local calendar of events, let me know and I'll post it here too. =)
Coffee is a must to get through the edits. I've already purchased a couple of pounds! Vermont Maple Nut from Leaves 'n Beans is awesome. As for the red pen...I think I'm allergic to red pens or something. It reminds me too much of school. I generally use any color except red when I'm doing hard copy edits!! I do need to print out my old manuscript though this week so I can get hopping right away. Conveniently, March 1st falls on a Sunday, so our first March event will be an online edit-in at midnight.
Coffee is a must to get through the edits. I've already purchased a couple of pounds! Vermont Maple Nut from Leaves 'n Beans is awesome. As for the red pen...I think I'm allergic to red pens or something. It reminds me too much of school. I generally use any color except red when I'm doing hard copy edits!! I do need to print out my old manuscript though this week so I can get hopping right away. Conveniently, March 1st falls on a Sunday, so our first March event will be an online edit-in at midnight.
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